Really, how am I supposed to pick just one favorite photo?  I am simply a jewel, so it was nearly impossible to choose. Also, some of  my favorite photos of me have to be scanned, and I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.  I ended up going with this picture, because the angle makes me look long and lean, and dare I say Jean Sebergesque?

Alternates:

Bachelorette Letty knows how to party. 

Anyway, so I’ve lived a semi-charmed kind of life thus far (knock on wood), so I am going to talk about some temporary difficulties that have been plaguing me as of late.  I have a raging ear infection in my left ear and it is KILLING ME.  I can’t hear out that ear, so I am constantly going “WHAAA” or “Speak up, child” or my favorite, “Do what now?!”

Seriously though, this ear infection has been a nightmare.  It is so fucking painful, and I had a natural childbirth.  The whole left side of my face is throbbing, all the way down my neck to my collarbone.  It makes it incredibly difficult to be cordial, which isn’t my strong suit in any case.  For some reason (my husband), I put off  going to the doctor because I figured it would just get better.  But no, no, that’s not the way infections work, stupid.  They just get worse, and more painful the longer you wait.  DUH. Last night my ear hurt so much that I couldn’t sleep and I had to watch the Wendy Williams Show in the middle of the night, which is terrible in itself.  ”How you doin’?”  Horribly Wendy, I am doing horribly, thank you.

Okay, so on top of my incredibly painful ear infection.  MY INTERNET DOESN’T WORK.  Why am I being punished so?  Has all of my shade throwing finally come back to me ten fold?  Someone was supposed to come and fix it yesterday, but they didn’t come, and in my current state I couldn’t be bothered to call AT&T and have an argument with their automated system.  If you ever want to see me apoplectic with anger, make me use an automated system. I have cried tears of frustration from using an automated system.  JUST LET ME SPEAK TO A PERSON, GODDAMMIT.  Not having the internet at home is a HUGE deal for me, because that’s how I watch TV, and that’s what sets us apart from the apes.  Right now, I am no better than an ape, staring at the wall with my finger in my ear.  I have to write these blog posts at work, which is difficult because I can’t hear, so I can’t hear my boss’s petite feet as she walks up behind me.

So, that’s where I am in life.  I feel a little better now, because complaining is one my favorite hobbies. But If you see me, and I look extra grumpy, offer to take me to get some frozen yogurt or something.  You only live once, FROYO!

I usually wake up around 8:30, looking lovely and ready to start the day.

I make sure to brush my teeth very thoroughly, nobody likes a dirty mouth!

Then I carefully apply an appropriate amount of makeup and admire my handwork in the mirror.

After that, it’s time for a healthy breakfast!

Then it’s off to work!  I am an excellent employee and I always get a lot of work done, and never slack off EVER.

After some hard labor, I enjoy lunch with a friend.

I usually only work until 3, after that I wander around HEB, Walgreens, or Target because I looooove to spend money I don’t have.

After I finish shopping, I pick up Truman and we go home and play in the backyard.

Then it is time for dinner.

After dinner, sometimes I will go out and have a drink or two with friends.

Then after a long day, I am ready to hit the sack and go to sleep.

It is exhausting being me sometimes.

• The mother/son dance Truman and I shared last night in the kitchen to Stacey Q’s “Two of Hearts”

• Playing music with my friends

• Ladies’ Movie Night at my friend Lauren’s.  Tonight we are watching Cry Baby!

• The movie, Just One of the Guys. Specifically because of William Zabka and some of the best breasts in 80′s movie history. TOP CANZ!

censored for our sensitive readers

• The fact that Doug Flutie did a drop kick in his last NFL game. That shit is historic.

• Pizza, pizza always makes me happy.

• These guys:

• The song “Hey Sandy” by Polaris.  If you can listen to this song, and not smile once, you are a heartless bastard.

• Jarvis Cocker

• Naps.  Naps are just the most wonderful thing in the world. They are even better when you are joined by a cat or two.

Now you know 10 things that make me happy.  There are lots more, including eBay, and records, and DAVID BOWIE, and squirrels.  I mean, didn’t even go into the schadenfreude shit.  That would take all day, and I do not have all day.  I have naps to take.

I am sorry I am constantly giving you side eye. It’s just that you are continuously wearing questionable clothing, or saying/doing stupid things. I will make every attempt to reel in my bitchiness if you put forth even the tiniest effort to not suck so much. I hope we can work together to keep the wrinkle between my eyebrows from getting deeper.

I love to hate you,
Letty

http://fuckyeahsideeyes.tumblr.com/

Let’s take a look at some great moments from my favorite beshoulderpadded ladies.

There are so MANY amazing Julia Sugarbaker moments to choose from, so I decided to just pick one short one.  I don’t want to take up your entire day.  You are supposed to be spending it with family or some shit.

Clair Huxtable is one of my all time role models.  If only for her eye shadow application alone. Michelle Obama needs to take a page from Clair’s book and bust out the power suits.  Like Julia, there were countless videos to choose from, but always love when she gives Elvin a proper dressing down.

Murphy Brown was such a bad ass that the VICE PRESIDENT of the United States had his dick all twisted in a knot over her. Get it girl.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak Hollingsworth is my spirit animal.  That is all.

Now, I am not saying there are not strong female role models on television today, there definitely are.  But these women have a fierceness that hasn’t been duplicated.   My main girl Leslie Knope comes close.  All she needs is the pads.

The best! I think these clips should be required viewing for middle school girls. Who else do you think belongs on this list?  Let me know what you think, and Happy Mother’s Day!

Letty slices! Dices!  Fucks shit up! Buy now, only 19.95.

or I can make a list of ten words that describe me:

ruthless

creative

crude

delightful (Yes, I think I’m delightful.  Suck it.)

amiable

gregarious

loyal

feisty as hell

Or I could be truthful:

Always striving to be HALF as funny as Ru Paul.

or corny:

I may be small, but I pack a big punch.

But really:

I’m THAT bitch.

Buy now!

Jesus christ.

MY GOD, they are even larger than I remember.  It is basically just pink crepe paper crudely shaped into panty form.  In a pinch they can be used to decorate a 2 year old girl’s birthday party.  That being said, if they still made them, I WOULD TOTALLY USE THEM.   But let’s get to my ~traumatic tale~*.  So I was 15 and doing this play with my good friend, Nicole and I had a crush on this dude in the cast.  OF COURSE I DID, that’s what happens when you do plays when you’re a teenager, HELLO.  Anyway, this guy, we’ll call him Aaron, was kinda the stud in the cast.  I think most of the girls had a crush on him.  I’m not quite sure why, because he was tall I guess.  Inexplicably, he responded to my awkward attempts at flirting and ::gasp:: flirted back with me!  HE SHOWED INTEREST!

Now, up until then I did not have much of a romantic history.  Boys did NOT like me.  Well, there was that guy in the 7th grade who liked me so much he carved my name in his arm (not Letty, but LETICIA. My full name. WHAT?!).  But that guy is cancelled out by this guy I had a massive crush who literally told me to “Fuck off.” every single day.  I had bushy eyebrows and braces, had to wear Gap Kids jeans and had only been kissed once, and that was with my boyfriend’s best friend, and it was a dare.  (Confessional run on sentences don’t count.) So,  Aaron giving me attention was PRETTY major for me.

Our flirtations finally came to a head (SERIOUSLY NO PUN INTENDED) at an  unsupervised cast party at his house after a matinee.  It was a crazy party y’all. Kids were sitting on the couch drinking vodka, and smoking pot. WHAT?  In the Sweet Valley Books when The Wakefields did something like that at a party, somebody died.  Well, the only thing that died that day was my dignity.   Aaron asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to his ~parent’s room~ and I was like, “Shit, okay.”  As I followed him up the stairs, I couldn’t help but think that it was my lime green velour mock turtle neck with a flower relief pattern that finally sealed the deal.

We get up stairs and start smooching, and it is super pleasant!  I am enjoying everything that is happening in this moment!  Things escalate and Aaron gets a bit handsy, but still I am like, “Okay sure, this feels all right.  Good. Good. Okay.”  Well, his hand creeps down lower and lower towards my pants, and that’s when the brakes should have gone ::SKRRREEEEEEECH:: but no, no they didn’t . And goddammit, somehow I was so caught up in my make out excitement, that I had completely forgotten that A) I was on my period, and B) I was wearing those giant fucking pink paper underwear.  Things continue to move along when all of a sudden he stops and says, “What are these?”  Fucking shit.  To this day, never in my life had I wished more that I was Zack Morris and could do one of his  ”TIME OUT“s.  HOW DO YOU COVER FOR THAT? WHAT DO YOU DO? Sadly, I cannot really recall what I said or did at this terrible moment. I probably just babbled and/or opened and closed my mouth repeatedly like a fucking goldfish.  Man, I really wish I could remember, but it remains deeply buried in the annals of my mind.  Yeah, I see that word, it looks like anals.

Oddly, or maybe just because he was 14 (yeah–I didn’t mention he was younger than me), he was not deterred by my enormous paper granny panties.  We continue to make out, only now he THANKFULLY keeps his hands in the top quadrant.    Unfortunately, this story isn’t over.  We finish making time, and he goes to the bathroom and I hear him go “SHIT.” He comes in and says, “You gave me a hickey! My girlfriend is going to be pissed.” ::HEAVY SIGH:: one more time,  ::HEAVY SIGH:: YEAH, IT HAPPENED.  So what do I do?  Do I go downstairs and get my friend and go?  Do I punch him in the neck?  No no. No no no, instead I help him cover it with his mom’s makeup.  THEN I go downstairs and leave, crinkling all the way out the door.  I still can’t believe I gave him a hickey, that is SO gauche.

Girlfriend or not, and regardless of the fact that he hooked up with at least two other girls in the cast, a few parties later I slow danced with him to a Savage Garden song, so I guess it was all worth it.  I want to stand with you on a mountain, bitch.

P.S. I am serious though, if they still made those protective panties, I would totally wear them. IDGAF.

P.P.S  I also happen to have a video of me falling on my ass during a karaoke performance of “Bootylicious” that is pretty mortifying. But, I am saving that shit for a different time.

P.P.P.S I feel like I should get some sort of award for this.

* SELF PROMOTION! If you liked this embarrassing story, you should go check out our Mortifying March contest we had at Thirtysometeen, and feel free to send us your anonymous ~omigah~ stories.  You could win a prizebox!

I took Truman to get his haircut at Birds, because if I went anywhere else, they would take my Hipster Mom membership card away.  I was really worried that he would cry the entire time, but he was really good!  He just stared out the window and watched cars go by, and maybe, perchance, yes perhaps, the lollipop I gave him helped.

So here is a moment from my day.  Haircut success! Before and after.  He looks so dapper, just call him Mr. Darcy.

• For people who have lots of goldfish crackers lying around: Throw that shit in a salad.  Goldfish make excellent croutons, and you only feel the tiniest bit of despair when eating it.

photo courtesy of http://www.ifyoucanstomachit.com. NOM.

• For teenage girls:  Do not lose your virginity to a guy because he said he would take you to a dance.  This guy will already have TWO girlfriends.

• For people having retail interactions with David Schwimmer: Do not tell him that the Friends finale DVD was so popular that you have to keep it behind the counter like it’s spray paint.  He will look at you weird then offer you a piece of gum.

• For people taking a presumably injured adolescent opossum to the Wildlife Rescue Center: Do not overestimate the amount of time a possum will play dead.  He will wake up half way through the trip and attempt to crawl up your arm while you are driving.

• For newlyweds: Do not shave your downstairs area before going on your honeymoon.  You don’t want to have an itchy crotch while playing tennis at 10:30 AM drunk off melonballs.

• For singers in wedding bands: Do not get drunk between sets then attempt to sing harmony and play tambourine on a Fleetwood Mac song.  You will end up singing in unison and playing the tambo off beat.  DO get so into your performance of “Shout” that you roll around on the stage and show your band your leopard print underwear, then get in the bride’s face and scare the crap out of her.
  

Super sober.

I am sure this information will be useful for EVERYONE.  Before I go, I guess I will give one last piece of advice:

• For everyone: Be a badass.